Know Your Rights
As a past victim of domestic abuse, I know all too well what it is like to go through the pain and humiliation that one feels as a victim of abuse. I also know what it is like to have the abuser and/or his family try to tell me over and over again that I ‘have no rights’.
Do not listen to them. They are liars, just like the devil is. You DO have rights. In a matter of fact you have more rights as a victim than the abuser does as an abuser. Do not let any of them push you around. Instead, get educated on your rights, and KNOW your rights. Then put them in their place by exercising your rights! The following is a list of rights that I wished that I would have known when I was going through court hell because of the abuser and his family members. If only I had known then what I know now, I’m am positive that things would have turned out much differently for myself and my children.
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS
* You have the right to equal protection under the law regardless of your circumstances
* You have the right to present evidence in a court at an ‘evidentiary’ hearing
If I had known these rights, I surely would have exercised it the day that I stood before a judge and tried to get a restraining order against the abusers family, who had filed bogus claims with the court for custody of my son. They had threatened to make bogus claims against us in order to try to force me into losing my son, they stalked me, followed me from a restaurant for the sole purpose of obtaining my home address in order to serve me with custody papers and then after they got my address they proceeded to harass me and my children at home, they followed me to a completely different city where I placed my children in daycare and then tried to illegally access my son from the daycare center (which the daycare center had enough sense to stop and the police were called), they stalked us by sitting down the street from our home and spying on our home and our comings and goings at all hours of the day and night, they stalked us by driving through our alley so that they could access our back yard to spy on us and then tried to access my son when he was outside playing in the back yard, made several threatening and harassing phone calls to my residence when they were somehow able to obtain my phone number, and much more, all of which I had made police reports on.
When I stood before the judge trying to get my restraining order against these people, I had all of my police reports - which were SEVERAL of them, documentation and notarized letters from the daycare center from which they tried to access and remove my son without my permission, I had several witnesses with me who could testify that they had witnessed the abusers family following me and my children, stalking us at home and away from it, and had been present and had witnessed the abusers family making extremely threatening and harassing phone calls to my residence, as well as had many other ‘documented proof’ of their ongoing harassment and threats.
So what went wrong? The abusers family had their lawyer stand before the judge (I was without an attorney because I could not afford one) and they told the judge that they ‘”had just very recently filed for custody of her son and we are afraid that if she gets her restraining order, it will hurt our case to win custody of her son from her” (and yes, this is a direct quote from them).
The result? The judge then looked down at all of my complaints, evidence and documentations which were all on his table, moved them around a little without so much as even looking at any of it and said, “Well, I don’t see anything here that would justify a restraining order, so case dismissed.”
Being very distraught at this mis-justice, several times when I tried to object to this and request that the judge look at my evidence and hear my witnesses, I was quieted by the courts and my case was thrown out, giving the abusers family the glee they were looking for when they won a case that should have EASILY been my victory, had I known my right to EQUAL PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW REGARDLESS OF MY CIRCUMSTANCES, and MY RIGHT TO PRESENT EVIDENCE IN A COURT DURING PROCEEDINGS THAT WERE SPECIFICALLY BEING HELD IN ORDER FOR THE PARTIES TO PRESENT THEIR EVIDENCE BEFORE A JUDGE REGARDING THE MATTER AT HAND.
Had I been aware of these laws, I would have no doubt told the judge that I have the right to present my evidence, and I have the right to the restraining order based on the laws governing what was required, by law, in order to get one - including not just one, but SEVERAL incidents that occurred through the abusers family, as well as my right to equal protection - meaning I had THE RIGHT to be protected, by law, from these people through the same laws governing the basis put into place by which one could obtain a restraining order, IRREGARDLESS of ANY other court proceedings that were going on at the time.
Just because you may be in the middle of some court proceeding, or at the very start of one like I was, does not mean that your rights to protection under the law are no longer in effect. It does not matter what your circumstances are, you are still ENTITLED TO EQUAL PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW that are put into place for that very reason - to protect you.
* You have the right to APPEAL any decisions made by the court
Had I known that I have the right to appeal any court decision, I would have done so immediately after these proceedings. But, because I was uneducated and did not know the law, I assumed that just because the judge disnmissed it, it was over - done - kaput. Little did I know that if I had appealed it just on the fact that I was denied the opportunity to present my evidence (among other things), that I would have more than likely ended up with the restraining order that I was so desperately seeking to obtain in order to protect myself and my children from this very abusive and delusional family that was constantly stalking and harassing us and constantly threatening to take my son from me as a means of further ‘punishment’ at the ‘order’ of the abuser.
* You have the right to be present at all court proceedings
Because I was denied my restraining order, the abusers family were allowed to proceed with their quest to ‘punish’ me further by trying to obtain custody of my son. The abuser himself - who btw has not even ever been established through blood tests to be my sons father - at this time, was now in prison for an armed robbery that he had committed while apparently trying to supply himself with money to buy drugs to support his now extreme drug habit.
When the abusers family and their case against me went to court, they played on the the fact that my restraining order was ‘thrown out’, and then proceeded to try to make the courts believe that I was now somehow highly ‘unstable’ by trying to file for a restraining order to begin with, and were acting as though stalking, following, harassing and making extreme threats against me and my children were normal every day activites for most people and were not against the law for them to commit.
During a few more custody hearings that followed, I was told by the abusers attorney that the judge presiding over the case had requested that both parties (meaning me and the abusers family) stay out of the court room during the court proceedings. It was during one of these proceedings that I was not allowed in to the court room when the abusers family then took a notarized piece of paper that was dated from 5 years earlier, in which the abuser had written (during one of the many times that he would ‘punish’ me by taking off with my son and then bringing him to his relatives home) that his family had his ‘permission’ to watch my son for a 30 day period while he was in chemical dependancy treatment.
Their attorney presented it to the judge, saying that it was a ‘transfer of custody’, which it was not, and not only was it not a transfer of custody, but the abuser NEVER had been given sole legal or physical custody of my son by me or the courts to supposedly be able to ‘transfer’ the custody of my son to his relatives to begin with.
But - because I was not allowed into the court room for the proceedings, and there was nobody there to refute this fact on my or my sons behalf, the judge allowed it as ‘evidence’ of a ‘custody transfer’ although he, himself, knew that a notarized piece of paper regarding drug treatment was not a legal transfer of custody. And they say that we are entitled to a ‘fair’ hearing?
Had I known then that I have the right to be present during all court proceedings, I surely would have gone into that court room anyhow and objected to that little worthless piece of paper that was now threatening to be part of the basis for these evil people to get my son away from me and his siblings. Had I also known that intentionally keeping me out of the court room and from my own court proceedings were also a basis for an appeal on that little finding of the abusers familys evidence, I would have also APPEALED this as well.
* You have the right to ask for Paternity Testing as well as a court-appointed Guardian ad-Litem to be appointed to your case - at NO court cost to you
Twice during court proceedings I had asked for blood paternity testing and for a Guardian ad Litem to be appointed to my case, and twice was denied by the judge who stated that there was ‘no need’ for such things. I wanted the blood testing to prove that these people were not related to my son at all, which would have put a lot of question on their ability to be able to file for custody as ‘relatives’ of my son.
I also wanted the Guardian ad Litem because a Guardian ad Litem is supposed to be a neutral party to the court proceedings who were suppose to be out for ‘the best interests of the child’, which clearly the family of the abuser were not out for. I was hoping to have someone to whom I could voice my concerns about these people to, as well as have someone to whom I could confide in about the horrible abuse that we had suffered at the hands of the abuser and all of the extreme threats and harassment that we had been subjected to at the hands of the abusers family.
Clearly I felt that anyone who would listen to me as a Guardian ad Litem could have come to the conclusion that giving custody of my son to these crazy people would only end up harming my son for years to come, not to mention that it would end up devestating myself and his siblings to a horrible extent - an extent that would be a very hard one to get past.
Never-the-less, the judge denied my requests. If I had known then that I have the right to paternity testing and have the right to a Guardian ad Litem because of the history and extent of such violent domestic abuse that was involved, I would have voiced that before the judge and would not have given up until I had gotten both. Instead, because I was uneducated about so much, I just assumed that just because the judge denied my requests, that was the end of it.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have stood on the law that says that I have the right to establish paternity of my child. I would have also stood on the law that says that because me and my children were victims of domestic violence, we have the right to request a Guardian ad Litem, and would have also stood on the law that says ‘the courts shall not impose a fee upon the parties of a proceeding‘ in order to secure a Guardian ad Litem as well.
* You have the right to request an outside agency for any court-ordered testings
During proceedings, the judge had put into place a ‘court appointed (and supposedly ‘neutral’) custody evaluator’. This ‘custody evaluator’ had made it clear from early on that she did not like me and that she was favoring the abusers family because of so, even in spite of my attempts to give to her several dozen written documentations of incidents, hospital reports and police reports regarding the horrific injuries and extreme abuse that we have gone through as well as the harassment by the abusers family, all of which she refused to take into consideration or even acknowledge.
Because of this obvious dislike for me and because of her unwillingness to want to even consider the extent of the horror that we had been subjected to by this family, I had requested to her (and not the courts) - which was one of my mistakes - that I wanted an outside agency to do the custody evaluation instead of her. This further angered her, and she then informed me that she was now going to have one of her good ‘friends’ who also worked at the court house do the psychiatric evaluations on all parties involved, as ordered by the court.
When I again informed the evaluator that I was uncomfortable with ‘her friend’ doing any of the testing and wanted an outside agency to do it, she again got angry and told me ‘tough’ because the courts had given ‘her’ permission to do what ’she’ wanted to do, and ’she’ was having ‘her friend’ do the testing whether I liked it or not.
The result? Her ‘friend’ doctored paperwork and willfully and purposely falsified several test results (which I tried to present to the courts by showing the actual true and correct papers and tests - all to no avail, as the judge refused to allow me to present this evidence) and the ‘neutral’ evaluator gave the recommendation to the courts that the abusers family have full custody of my son, after which the evaluator then called me on the phone and told me (referring to her recommendation that my son be given to the abusers family) “Tough. You accused me of being biased, so this is what you get.”
Had I known then that I could legally put in a request before the court for outside testing, I would have done so (at least then my attempts would have been documented by witnesses). If I had known that I have the right to request an outside agency for any court ordered testings, I would have done so. But, because I did not know any better, I settled for what the evaluator had said, although it was more than clear that she was biased in everything that she said, did, and recommended - all at the expense of myself and my children who ended up feeling like we were not only victimized by the abuser but by the courts as well. I have also found out since that this woman has done the same thing to several other people that ‘called’ her on decisions that she was making that were anything but neutral and in the best interest of the child.
To make a long story short, I lost in court and these evil people that have been threatening to take my son as a means to ‘punish’ me and were harassing us for several years received custody of my son - a son whom nobody even knows is even related to them or not. I did not have proper counsel to represent myself and my children because we could not afford an attorney. The judge refused to receive my 185 pieces of hard evidence into consideration by refusing to allow me to even present my evidence and then throwing out the rest of my evidence.
The day that we were forced to turn my son over to the abuser’s family (who had gone for custody at the ‘order’ of the abuser who was still in prison at the time) was the hardest day that I have ever had to face as a mother. Not only was I in shock and completely devestated by this gross mis-justice, but my other children - my son’s blood siblings - were just as devestated and still are.
Because we still cannot afford an attorney, my son is still being subjected to these people and their abuse through the perversion of the court system - only now he’s being subjected to it on a daily basis, as he is forced to live with the very same people that he cannot stand being around - the very same people that he has feared for years and still does.
When I was ‘forced’ to turn my child over to the abuser and his family, I was beyond angry and started studying the laws and statutes of our state and found out that the court proceedings were not only corrupt, but were very illegal and should have never been allowed to proceed. What now makes this even worse is the fact that I still cannot afford an attorney to fight for my sons freedom and do not qualify for a ‘free’ one.
On the other hand, I now know a lot more about the law as well as know my rights in and out of court as well as know my familys rights and my sons rights - as a child. I also know that as a victim of domestic abuse and violence, I had more rights than what the courts had legally given to me, breaking several of their own laws and statutes in the process.
Since then I have also made it a point to help other mothers and children who have been victims by not only sharing my story but also by sharing education about domestic abuse - often times guiding and helping them to find the necessary resources that are available and that they need in order to be able to escape this abuse. I also make it a point to help victims by informing and educating them on their rights, the laws and statutes of their state, and the rules of court procedures PRIOR to them stepping into a court room for any sort of proceedings, no matter how small the proceedings may be, so that the courts and the abuser do not step all over them and their rights all for the sake of devestating their family - like they did ours.
I also know that one of the ways that we, together as a church, can help other believers and families who may be going through similiar mis-justices is by educating as many people as possible around us on what the laws and court procedures are, where to find the necessary help for victims of abuse, by educating them on what their rights are, and more importantly, by encouraging the church body to engage in prayer support and other support that is needed for the victim and their families as well.
Remember, in the Word of God, God tells us it’s what you don’t know that can hurt you (Hosea 4:6). In order to be effective in fighting the enemy when it comes to domestic abuse, its good to know not only what you are up against, but its a good idea to out smart the enemy by getting to know the same laws that the devil tries to twist and use as a means attempt to hurt us even more. I know from watching several victims cases that I’ve helped, if its one thing the devil hates, its having the very same laws that he’s trying to pervert and twist around thrown right back in his face, forcing him to have to adhere to them!
It is mine and my childrens desire to not only educate the church body on domestic abuse and the victims rights, but it is also our desire that by doing so, maybe one day we will find justice and it will be served for what has been done to us as a family.
Maybe you haven’t been a victim of domestic abuse yourself, but maybe you know someone who has been or is going through it now. If so, please share this information with them. If it helps just one person to not make the same mistakes that I did, then it is well worth it. It is also our hope that by getting the word out, we will not only be raising awareness for this horrific subject that is not talked about a whole lot in public, but will also be motivating the church to do more to assist those who are going through the horrors of abuse both in their congregations as well as out of it.
** The above information provided should not be acted upon without professional advice. It is for informational purposes only. Before pursuing child custody based on domestic abuse issues, it is highly recommended that you contact a family law attorney for the specific laws and statutes in your state, and for legal representation during all court proceedings.
For more information, please read Domestic Abuse and The Lie Of The Enemy.